you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
