i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
