dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there