Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
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She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
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My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday