I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?