the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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