is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
