he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize