you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Randomize
