Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
