we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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