I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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