12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Randomize
