you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
