I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
