clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
