I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
