i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
