So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
