Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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