seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
