Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
