it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
