Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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