dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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