Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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