if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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