I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
