remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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