apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
