So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
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Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
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Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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