I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
