That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
