you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
