Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
being pregnant is like rehab
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
