Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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