his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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