Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
