who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Randomize
