loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
