I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
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I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
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The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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