maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
