Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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