new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
