Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.