Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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