here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
