the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
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I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
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I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime