My liver just broke up with me...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
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at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
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It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.