Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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