Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
