he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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