He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize