If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
