the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
