my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
