Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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