I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
