I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
zippers are such a cool invention
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
