whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
