dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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